Lilly's Journey
by Narnia Miss
Summary: Enter an athiest mom, an unloved daughter, and a drug gone wrong.
1. Why?

Esther

I made my body slowly and calmly walk up the stairs, while inwardly I wanted to pound up them, slamming my feet as I went.

_Two reasons why that wouldn't be a good idea; one, because then I would really be in trouble. And two, because I am eighteen, not eight!_

Two very good reasons, yet I wanted to toss them aside for a moment of fury. This had been happening a lot lately...me fighting with my mom. It doesn't seem to get any better, either.

Let me tell you about myself. I am an only child, by my parent's choosing, which I think was a mistake. My dad died last year in some sort of car accident, though I think there's more to it. They say his left lung was punctured, and he died almost instantly. Maybe I should cut my mom some slack on her stress level, seeing how hard she took his death, but it's hard to.

Maybe it's because she and him were so alike, the same personality, the same tendency to judge others just because of how they look, or how much money they have. I suppose I should feel some remorse at how little I mourned my father's death, but you'd understand if you knew how he treated me. Just take a look at my journal, and you'll see.

My dad worked at a company that deals with computers, while my mom works in the home estate business. I work at a Christian bookshop downtown, and that is something else my mom doesn't understand. Neither did my dad. I've told them I've become a Christian, and that I want to work somewhere where I can be with other Christians, and in that atmosphere. At least they let me; I was sure they were going to say no.

I think the only reason they let me is because they wanted me out of the house. Don't misunderstand me; I have no doubt they loved me at some point, but I have stopped trying to understand why that is. I think it's because they are so self-satisfied that they don't really care about anyone except themselves.

So now, it's just me and mom. Though I can hardly even say that. I still live at home, but that is bound to change soon, too.

I don't know what's stopping me from leaving home, but it's probably God. I don't know why though, because I don't think our relationship could ever heal.


	2. Problems

Lilly

I should never have named her Esther, because I know it comes from the Bible. But I thought it was so pretty, anyway. But every time I say her name, the fact that she is a Christian comes back to my mind, and it disgusts me. I've always found Christians to be hypocrites, and my daughter is no different. Christian is just a name for being goody-two shoes, and a liar. I hate my daughter for it, you know. I'm not a horrible person, I'm just a self-sufficient woman.

I don't ask any favors or lean on anybody, and I can take care of myself.

Let me be clear: there is no "God" that is hovering over us, and there is no such think as true love. It's all just false emotions in the spur of the moment, and the sooner my daughter learns this, the better.

Two weeks passed by, and the tension between Esther and her mother grew greater. Neither were trying very hard to get along with one another, and both were very stubborn, and both believed that they were right in every way. But one day, Esther called a truce.

"Mom, just for one day, can we do something together?" Esther herself couldn't believe what she was suggesting. She wanted to spend time with her mom like she'd like to pour pepper in her eyes. But for the sake of peace, Esther was willing to try.

Esther

That's right...I didn't do it for the sake of trying to get along with my mom. I wasn't sure if she would actually agree to it, so I was surprised when she did.

Lilly

I almost didn't. I had no doubt that my daughter had something up her sleeve, but I was really tired of all the strife. So, I relented.

Esther asked if we could go on a picnic together, a usual spot we had gone to before when Esther was growing up. As I packed up a picnic basket, I wondered why we hadn't gone back in such a long time.

Esther

We didn't say anything the whole drive there. I was glad, because I was sure we'd just start arguing again. When we got there, I set the tablecloth on the table while mom started unpacking the food.

Ham sandwiches, chops, and apples. It's the same every picnic. I don't think we've ever had anything else. Maybe one day I'll ask mom why.

Lilly

I've never really looked at my daughter before, like never studied her. Black hair like me, light green eyes, and a dusting of freckles across her nose. She's not petite, but she isn't really medium sized either. Just smaller. She looks like me, but then not. I finger my dyed blonde hair, and suddenly feel fake.


	3. The Leaf

**Lilly**

For two seconds, I feel fake. My dyed hair, my colored contact lenses, and everything I stand for. But I dismiss it, and force myself to finish my food.

**Esther**

I catch mom looking at me for a second, and for an instance, her face softens. It kind of shocks me, because I haven't seen her like that in a long time. I wonder what she's thinking. I wish...I wish she could just respect me for who I am, and what I believe. And I wish my heart weren't hurting right now.

Esther brushed the crumbs off her lap and stood up, placing her half eaten apple on the picnic table. "I'm going to go in the creek down there, mom. I'll be right back." Esther didn't wait for a reply, but kicked off her shoes, and set off. Her ears strained to hear, hoping to hear her mom's footsteps behind her. But she knew it wasn't likely to happen.

Lilly watched her daughter walk away, and nearly went after her. It had been a long time since she had waded in that creek with her daughter, but she wasn't about to do so now.

**Esther**

Whew, the water was cold. I slowly put my other foot in, feeling for a smooth rock to set it on. My feet grasp the edge of a rock, and I place my foot securely on it. Looking up, memories come back to me. The trees around are slowly shedding their brilliant colored leaves, and some are floating down the creek. I pick up a bright red one by my leg, letting my thumb go over it's velvety surface. A vein-like like runs in the middle of the leaf, taking the form of a heart. I smile and turn it over. But to my shock, I see what looks like words formed on the back.

**Lilly**

I hear Esther yell my name, and I wonder what's going on. Sighing, I stand up, and look down at my heels. _I am not going anywhere near that creek._ But I start down there anyway. And as I do, memories of Esther, me and Stan wading in the creek together rushed back. Half the time we'd end up soaking wet, but that had always been the fun part.

As I walk down, I see that Esther is holding something in her hands. I only notice something is wrong when I see that her hand is shaking.


End file.
